SUSAN BOYLE LOSES OUT - Monday 1 June 2009

Soon after the world learnt that Susan Boyle, the 48 year-old ‘frump’, made me cry with her rendition of I Dreamed a Dream, she became the favorite to win Britain’s Got Talent 2009.

However, the fact that she reduced me to tears was not enough for the voting public and she lost out to an 11-member street dance group.

Diversity - aged between 13 and 25 - take home a £100,000 prize and will perform in front of the Queen at the Royal Variety Performance.

The group is made up of four friends and three sets of brothers who are all from small towns in England.

Y ou can watch the final performances of Susan Boyle and Diversity, as well as some of the other finalists here.
The finalists include 11-year-old street dancer Aidan Davis, 12-year-old singer Shaheen Jafargholi, a 76-year-old grandfather performing with his 12-year-old grandaughter, and 10-year-old sensation Holly Steel.

I wonder if South Africa will be able to match this standard of entertainment on Mnet’s upcoming South Africa’s Got Talent.

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GABRIELLA DAVIDS : HOMEGROWN HONEY - Friday 29 May 2009

Definitely Cape Town’s favorite Homegrown Honey, Gabriella Davids was born on December 8 1986.
Gaby, a model who has worked extensively in exotic locations like Zanzibar, The Maldives and Hong Kong, lists her greatest modeling achievement to date as her feature in the 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition.
She has also been featured in Cosmopolitan and FHM.
The Samsung Mobile model’s favorite quote is ‘Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.’

View Gallery.....

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NAJWA: SPENDING HER MONEY ON THE WRONG PEOPLE -Thursday 28 May 2009

Under South African law, and given her 28-year sentence, convicted widow and murderer of entertainer Taliep, Najwa Petersen will be eligible for parole after serving 14-years.

That means that Naj, now 47, will be eligible to be released in 2023 and she will be sixty.

But Naj is not giving up without a fight, and her recent application to the Supreme Court of Appeal shows that she is prepared to gamble big time in order to gain her freedom.

In sentencing Petersen, Judge Desai found in the Western Cape High Court that "compelling and substantial" circumstances existed to prevent her from getting a life sentence, and that is why she was only given 28 years.

The president of the Supreme court, judge Lex Mpati, will now give the state time to respond to the application, and it is almost certain that the state will bring a cross-appeal action asking for leave to appeal against her sentence.

Should the appeal court find that judge Desai made a mistake in finding for those circumstances, then they will have to impose a life sentence and according to the Act on Correctional Services she would have to serve a minimum of 25 years.

Najwa has definitely adopted an in for a penny in for a pound strategy.
This woman is after all used to the high life and has been brought up to believe that money can fix everything.

Najwa has disclosed that she earns R100k per month from her share of the family business, and it is obvious that she can afford the legal battle.

The family business is claimed to be a fruit and veg business that sells fresh South African produce in Namibia.
Can you imagine the amount of fruit and veg they would have sell in order for her share of the profits to be R100k per month.
They are quite a big family at that.

But, we know that they have been dealing in illicit diamonds since the late sixties, don’t we?
They are after all our neighbors.

Najwa’s big mistake is that she has not learnt, like many other criminals, how the South African legal system works.
In South Africa, it does not make sense to spend huge amounts of money on defense lawyers.
Give the money directly to the judge and the prosecutor.
They have a far better track record when it comes to getting criminals off the hook.

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WHEN OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS – CHK-CHK-BOOM! - Wednesday 27 May 2009

All of us, ok, most of us, at the very least, many of us would love to be rich and famous.
Fame and fortune do not automatically go hand in hand.
There are many rich people who are not famous at all, just like there are some famous people that are not rich.

There are also many extremely talented people who never ‘make it’ and there are some people with no talent at all who do.
It’s all about getting the right breaks.

It is vital that one is able to recognise the right break when it presents itself, because this kind of opportunity comes along only once in a lifetime.

Clare Werbeloff recognised such an apportunity and grabbed it with both hands.

The 19-year-old was in the nightlife area of Syndey’s Kings Cross at 3am on May 17, when a man was shot.
Using language considered highly offensive in most parts of the world, she gave a TV network cameraman a graphic account of what she said had happenned.

"There were these two wogs fighting. The fatter wog said to the skinnier wog: 'Oi bro, you slept with my cousin.'
"And the other one said 'Nah man, I didn't for shit, eh' and the other one goes 'I will call on my fully sick boys, eh.'
"And then pulled out a gun and went chk-chk-boom."

But in a twist to the tale, the 19-year-old now says that she never saw the shooting, and that she invented the account she gave in the TV interview because she wanted to be famous.

The TV footage of course found its way to youtube and virtually overnight Clare became a celebrity. Millions of views later Chk-Chk-Boom T- shirts and mugs made in her honor are selling like hot cakes.
She has also been invited to appear on the Australian TV program “A Current Affair” and offered a bikini shoot for a celebrity magazine.

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BERLUSCONI: A CLASS OF HIS OWN - Tuesday 26 May 2009

Just before the elections, I wrote an article on Italian prime minister and media mogul Silvio Berlusconi.
In that article I inferred that Berlusconi was a lot like Jacob Zuma.

It turns out that Zuma could go to Berlusconi for lessons. The man is in a class of his own!

His second wife, Veronica Lario is now divorcing him, citing his habit of ‘consorting with minor girls’ as the reason.

Silvio was 53 when he met Veronica, then a struggling 33-year-old b-grade actor. He was apparently attracted to her after he saw her strip in a play in 1990. The couple have three children together.

The 72-year-old is currently having an affair with a girl who was born a year after he met Veronica.

The girl’s father introduced Berlusconi to Noemi Letizia, and the couple is thought to have been dating for a while.

The divorce statement from Veronica Lario was apparently sparked by Silvio's attendance at Noemi's recent lavish 18th birthday party, Italian media said.
The newspaper quoted Mrs Berlusconi complaining that Silvio took time to attend Noemi Letizia's birthday bash, but Silvio the father could not find time to be at his own children's birthday parties.
He also gave her a gift of a gold necklace and a signed photograph of himself and a book that read "To my little Noemi, my little graphic artist, from your little daddy teacher.’

Noemi Letizia is a model and dancer from the city of Naples.

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NOVEL EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK - Monday 25 May 2009

Some people are just naturally ‘morning people’.
They wake up at the crack of dawn, before the alarm goes off, and have an annoying habit of singing in the shower a 4.30 in the morning.
‘I love mornings,’ they chirp. ‘ I get my best work done in the morning.’

For the rest, mornings are a curse.
They turn off the alarm and regularly ‘lie in’ for ‘just five more minutes.’
Others press the snooze button twenty times and crawl out of bed, cursing, half an hour after they were supposed to leave for work.
Been late for work recently? Running out of good excuses?

Try one of these novel excuses next time when you arrive at work just before tea time.

· While rowing across the river to get to work I got lost in the fog

· Someone stole my lawn

· I had to go audition for Idols

· My ex-husband stole my car so I had to take a taxi

· I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember where I work

· I was trying to get my gun back from the police

· I didn’t have money for petrol because all the pawn shops were still closed

· My husband thinks its funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work

· My son locked me in the boot of the car

· My left indicator does not work so I had to make all right turns to get to work

· I had to go to the casino

· I wasn’t paying attention

· I fell asleep in the shower

· I couldn’t find my clothes

· I saw Elvis

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BUTTERNUT SOUP FROM HEAVEN - Thursday 21 May 2009

I have a friend who refers to himself as ‘a jazz cook.’
‘I improvise.’ He explains.
This guy uses combinations like bean sprouts, peanut butter, honey and brandy at random.
His meals are often disastrous.
Once, with frightening results, he made a soup that included beetroot and red cabbage.

His mother raised him with the belief that one should never throw away food.
Often, when he thought everyone else was sleeping, he would be busy with a spade, in the backyard late at night, burying his jazz meals in the dark, periodically glancing over his shoulder to make sure that no one sees him. In order to vizualise optimally you should know that he is sixty-years-old.

This is a true story.
In fact this friend is so ‘interesting’ that I should introduce a column where I share some of his ‘quirks’ with you. I have known him for four decades so there are many stories to tell.
To protect his identity – read to protect me - I shall refer to him as Nyatsi.
Look out for random articles on ‘The Exploits of Nyatsi’ soon.

But, I am drifting.

For most of my life I have been decidedly dogmatic when it comes to soup.
My mother’s soup always involved soup bones and chunky soup vegetables. Always.
So for years I treated any other soup with suspicion.

Until I met Nellie.
Nellie introduced me to a whole new world (sung to the tune. You may add a new horison) of soup.
Her repertoire includes things like haddock chowder and chicken and corn soup.
I have a tendency to never scratch where it does not itch, so I haven’t tried any of these recipes myself, but I have convinced her to allow me to post some of the recipes here.

To start, try this butternut soup from heaven.
I promise you it will put a grin on your face for days on end.

Ingredients:
2 Medium-sized butternut, peeled seeded and cubed.
Pinch of nutmeg
45ml butter
750ml chicken stock ( 2 cubes of chicken stock, 3 cups water)
2 onions,chopped
500ml milk
45ml flour
I level teaspoon salt (or to taste)
Half a teaspoon of freshlyground black pepper
Grated zest of an orange
Chopped parsley
Fresh cream

Method:
Gently fry onions in butter until softened. Add the butternut and stir to coat with butter, cover and cook gently for 5mins.
Stir in the flour and nutmeg making sure that there are no lumps.
Add the stock, milk, salt and pepper and orange zest and bring to the boil, stirring constantly.
Turn down the heat and simmer for 15 -20mins.
Pour mixture into blender and blend.

Adjust seasoning and serve piping hot, plated and garnished with a tablespoon of fresh cream in the center and a sprinkling of chopped parsley.

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FUNNIEST JOKES FROM AROUND THE WORLD - Wednesday 20 May 2009

FUNNIEST JOKE IN GERMANY
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

FUNNIEST JOKE IN AMERICA
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

FUNNIEST JOKE IN ENGLAND
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

FUNNIEST JOKE IN SOUTH AFRICA
A businessman from Mtata, accompanied by his six-year-old son, is traveling to a conference in New York when the plane runs into some serious trouble.

Eventually, the pilot announces that he has tried everything but is unable to stop the plane from crashing unless he can relieve the plane of more weight.
He explains that he had already instructed the crew to throw all baggage and unnecessary items out but they were still losing height.

‘Unfortunately,’ he said, ‘I have no choice but to throw some passengers out of the plane in order to save at least some lives. To be fair I will do this in alphabetical order according to your classification.’

In the A section, two Americans and an Afghan are thrown overboard when they respond to the pilots call, but when the pilot asks ‘Are there any Africans on board,’ the man remains silent.

In the B section the pilot asks ‘Are there any blacks on board. Still the man does not respond.
By the time the pilot gets to the S section there are only a handful of passengers left in the plane, but the man does not respond to the pilot’s question ‘Are their any South Africans on board.’

Eventually his son asks him in a whispered voice ‘Dad, what are we?’

‘Today, my son,’ he replies, ‘we are Zulus.’

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SA SOAPIES ALL AWASH - Tuesday 19 May 2009

TV producers held an urgent meeting on Monday to decide what to do about outstanding payments of millions of rands owed to them by the SABC.

Some of the country’s most popular soapies including Generations, Isidingo and 7de Laan are owed more than R40m for episodes that have already been delivered to the broadcaster.

Local producers are now refusing to hand over any new material until the outstanding debt is paid.
This could see new episodes of most of the popular series disappear within weeks.

South Africa’s most popular soap, Generations for example, is owed more than R9m and the last new episodes will be shown at the start of June, with no new episodes to follow.

The SABC's financial woes are not unique, with several American, European and other broadcasters experiencing serious cash-flow problems due to the credit crunch. The SABC, however, is in an even more precarious financial position, due to various managerial factors.

Rumour has it that the broadcaster will ask the Treasury for a R1.5bn bailout, but the SABC has refused to confirm this.
"I'm not saying we're asking for money, but we are having talks. The SABC has a problem," said SABC spokesperson Kaizer Kganyago.

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WORLD’S TALLEST DOG HAS CANCER - Monday 18 May 2009

Gibson, a Harlequin great dane, who is listed in the Guiness Book of Records as the world’s tallest dog, has been diagnosed with a cancerous tumour in his front paw.
The paw had to be amputated.

At over seven feet tall on his hind legs, Gibson is taller than most NBA basketball players.

Gibson is quite a celebrity, having appeared on many TV shows with the likes of Jay Leno, Ellen DeGeneres and Oprah.

His owners, however, are more proud of his certification and work as a therapy dog and special needs training.

He works with war veterans, sick children, burn victims and fellow cancer patients.According to his owners, one look at Gibson causes his patients to instantly forget all about their cares and worries.

The picture in the middleshows Gibson towering over his vet.

The other two are of Gibson on the day when he met the world’s smallest dog.
Boo Boo is a toy Chihuahua that stands a whopping 10.16cm tall on her hind legs.
When Boo Boo was born, she was the size of a human thumb and had to be fed with an eye dropper.

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LANDI SWANEPOEL: YUMMIE FRIDAY GALLERY Friday 15 May 2009

Landi Swanepoel was born on October 8 1979 in Cape Town and was spotted as a model when she was a fourteen-year-old, shopping with her mom.
Landi is best known for her campaigns for Guess, but her highest accolade was when she was chosen as ‘Sylvia’ in Peroni’s Nastro Azzurro ad.
The ad pays tribute to Fellini’s La Dolce Vita and was originally played by Anita Ekberg.
Often compared to the young Brigette Bardot, Landi has been in advertisements for Chanel, and Landrover and has appeared in FHM, Maxims and Sports Illustrated.
View Gallery......

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EARN BONUS POINTS FOR RAPING VIRGINS AND THEIR MOTHERS : Tuesday 12 May 2009

I came under a lot of strong criticism when I inferred that the game Resident Evil 5 was promoting racism.
I was accused of ignorance and folly, asked if I was suggesting a neo-black colonialism and generally told to in future keep my shallow opinions to myself.

I would love to hear what my critics have to say then about the new Japanese game RapeLay.

In this game players earn points for acts of sexual violence against females.
This includes stalking girls on trains and turning them into sex slaves, raping virgins and their mothers and forcing girls to have abortions.

In 1999 Japan banned the production, distribution and commercial use of pornographic material involving under 18s, but the law did not criminalize possession of such material, and did not cover child porn in animation and computer graphics.

Internationally, Hentai, or pornographic comics have become very popular.
Hentai is a shortened version of 'hentai seiyoku' meaning 'sexual perversion' and is commonly used in Japanese slang as an insult meaning 'pervert' or 'weirdo'.

Is RapeLay simply the logical extension of this?
Am I an ignoramus indulging in folly when I find this disgusting?
Should I take the advice of my critics and keep my shallow opinions to myself?

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THE BAD ELEMENT IN MY NEW NEIGHBOURHOOD - Monday 11 May 2009

I told you in this column that Nellie and I moved house at the end of last month.

Sometime ago we were offered a very good deal on an apartment in a new complex.
This complex was being built in Brooklyn and historically Brooklyn was a suspect area to be living in, so our initial reaction was ‘No forgen way.’

Originally this was an area for poor whites and it soon became a haven for prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers and addicts.
We were told the area was being developed and upgraded but we thought ‘Ja right.’

When the complex was eventually completed we went along to view the premises anyway, more out of curiosity than anything else.

It was a spanking brand new security-controlled complex with lots of greenery, a communal pool, a laundry and a fully equipped gym.
Psychologically our resistance was also slightly dented when we saw that it was right at the end of Brooklyn, on the Milnerton border.

We slowly started weighing the pros and cons and eventually decided that not taking up the offer would be nothing short of stupid.

On the first day we discovered that we had a plumbing problem. The shower was not working and the drainage system was blocked.
The maintenance team had to chop gaping holes in the walls to get to the root of the problem and this is where our problems with ‘the bad element’ in the area started.

This bad element however was not human.
We had a rat, or rats in the apartment.
Every night they would raid our kitchen. They feasted on the dry goods and when we found a packet of Nellie’s two-minute noodles on the floor on the second morning I declared war.
The rats had climbed onto the table, into the basket where the noodles were and managed to drag the noodles out of the basket, off the table and across the floor. They were probably disturbed while attempting to take the packet home.

I rushed off to the shops to stock up on Rattex and for three nights they ate all the poison that I provided.
But this did not stop them. In fact the problem seemed to be getting worse. I then decided to leave the whole packet of poison, open on the floor.
The next morning the poison was gone. Packet and all.
I had visions of a mommy rat walking home with her plastic bag full of groceries.

Desperate, I Googled it and discovered that poison was not an effective way of waging war on rodents. I was advised to seal all entry points and trap them.
So I rushed off to the hardware store to buy rattraps.

On the same day, a neighbour heard of my problem and gave me one of those electronic gadgets that emit sound waves to get rid of rats.

That night I plugged in the device, loaded my trap with cheese, and surrounded it with poison.
The following morning, the poison was untouched and the trap was empty.

I am not sure whether the rats had eventually died of the poison, or whether the electric device worked.
I was however mildly disappointed that my trap was empty.

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PATRICIA LEWIS HAS SIX TUMOURS - Thursday 7 May 2009

South Africa’s favourite dans poppie Patricia Lewis has been diagnosed with six tumours on her thyroid. The largest one is three centimetres and is pressing on her vocal chords.

She is still waiting on the results of the biopsy whether it is cancerous but either way the tumours have to be removed and there is a chance that the singer’s vocal chords could be permanently damaged spelling the end of her singing career.

Love her or hate her, the former provincial gymnast has carved a formidable career for herself in the local entertainment industry.

With in excess of 600 000 record sales she is one of the countries biggest selling female artists. Her hit Wie Sou Jou Kon Liefhe Soos Ek made history in South Africa when it reached gold status on the day it was released.

Patricia has also worked as a model before moving on to star in various television shows and an international movie with Oliver Reed.

She raised a few eyebrows when it was leaked that in 1996, before her successes, she starred in a German erotic movie.

 

In Dark Desires she plays a bisexual stripper who seduces men and then blackmails them. When the story about her role in the movie leaked in 2001, she claimed that the nude scenes were done by a double.

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THE DAHM TRIPLETS - Wednesday 6 May 2009

Multiple birth siblings are either monozygotic or dizygotic.
Monozygotic multiple births result from a single fertilized egg (zygote) splitting into two or more embryos, each carrying the same genetic material. Siblings created from one egg are necessarily the same sex and are commonly called identical.

The odds of having identical triplets are estimated to be around 1 in 200 million.
In other words, you stand a ten times better chance at winning the lottery.
So what are the chances of beautiful identical triplets choosing the adult entertainment industry to make their mark?

Nicole, Erica and Jaclyn Dahm are dahm fine triplets that are so identical that their mother had one and two dots respectively tattooed on Nicole and Erica’s buttocks so that she could tell the girls apart.

 

When the girls were eighteen, they tried out for Playboy Magazine, on the suggestion of none other than their father.
All three had breast implant surgery to augent their identical appearance, and they have been featured in several issues of Playboy.

I am sure that the girls earned 10 times the South African Lotto Prize money for their spreads, and as if that's not enough, in 2006 Erica married Jay McGraw, the son of Phil McGraw, better known as Dr Phil.

You can click on the pics to view the R18 version only if you are a big people .

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WILL SHASHA-LEE EVER BE A STAR - Tuesday 5 May 2009

Cape Town’s reputation as being the music capital of South Africa was once again confirmed when the 18 year old pastor’s daughter from Atlantis, Shasha-Lee Davids won the Idols competition on Sunday.

There is no doubt that Cape Town has got talent.
It’s a pity that all her talented sons and daughters ultimately have to move to Johannesburg in order to survive as professional artists because the Cape Town public sucks when it comes to supporting local artists.

I have always maintained that raw talent is not enough to make it in this industry, and that there are several other areas that need to be developed if the artist is to stand a reasonable chance of making it.

As they progress in the competition, the Idols finalists have access to many professionals who guide, educate, train and nurture them in these aspects of their careers.
This includes voice training, ear training, microphone technique and control, stage persona, movement and performance training.
They have access to stylists, make-up artists, designers and even life coaches.

The benefit of this is evident in Shasha-Lee’s progressive performances in the competition, and I hope that she realizes that this is only a beginning on the long road to stardom.

I hope that she recognizes the fact that she needs a team of professionals at her side to take this opportunity to the hilt, and that these professionals deserve a share in her success when the ultimate and hopeful breakthrough is eventually realized.

I hope that her parents or boyfriend does not suddenly get it in their heads that they are capable of ‘managing’ her career a la Jody and Karin.

Shasha-Lee is no stranger to the bright lights and big prizes, having won the MK89 reality show Matrix in December last year.
In that competition she won R50k and a role on the Kyknet soapie Villa Rosa.

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ARE YOU INTO KINKY SEX - Monday 4 May 2009

I used to think that I was quite clued up in the sex department.
I mean I know a bit about homosexuality and bisexual tendencies. I am familiar with the foot or high heels fetish, S&M and bondage, and I know what bestiality is.
I know what a golden shower or bukkake is and I even know what necrophilia is.
No wonder I thought I was quite clued up.
Boy, was I mistaken!

And the words! For example, did you know that someone who is turned on by nudity is called an omolagniac? Or, a person who can only climax by fantasizing about a more desirable partner is prone to allorgasmia?

Fans of olfaction get off on strong body odors. Dendrophiles are aroused by trees. Gynemimetophiles get turned on by female impersonators. Hybristophiles are women who get excited by men in prison, and Siderodromophiles love doing it on trains.

Zelophiles are aroused by their own jealousy and are known to organize orgies so that they can get really upset!

But the above are all relatively mild.
Here is a list of decidedly weird, even bizarre sexual fetishes, mania and generally big words.

Transformation fetish
Strictly speaking, people who have this fetish are sexually aroused by depictions of transformations, usually of people into other beings or objects. Usually the use costumes and props to turn themselves or their partners into animals like horses cats and dogs.

Emetophilia
These guys are turned on by vomit. They get off by throwing up on their sexual partner.

Eproctophilia
Farting gets them horny

Klismaphilia
They get of by getting or administering enemas.

Coprophilia
Better known scat, they derive sexual gratification from feces

Hierophilia
Also known as theophilia, they get their kicks making whoopee on religious or sacred objects
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Anthropophagolagnia
Surely the most bizarre of them all.
Those who practice anthropophagolagnia rape their victims and then eat them!