HIGH TECH
ANTI CORRUPTION MEASURES - Tuesday 30 June 2009
I am not sure if it is politically incorrect
or if it is simply in bad taste to laugh at this. It just
doesn't sit well, but damn, it's hilarious.
Nepal is after all one of the poorest countries in the
world so I should probably not laugh at their efforts.
But, Nepal’s tourism industry employs
around 300 000 people and the land-locked Himalayan nation
attracted a record 550 000 tourists last year, just two
years after the decade-long Maoist insurgency.
The country has set itself the ambitious
goal of attracting a million tourists a year by 2011.
The problem is that there is widespread
corruption, theft and bribe-taking going down at Katmandu’s
Tribhurvan International Airport, the only international
airport in the country.
"We sent a team to observe the growing
complaints about the behaviour of airport authorities
and workers towards travelers and we discovered that the
reports were true," said Ishwori Prasad Paudyal,
spokesman for the Commission for the Investigation of
Abuse of Authority (CIAA).
Now here is the punch-line.
Nepal’s anti-corruption authority have decided to
issue airport staff and authorities with pocketless trousers.
According to the source, the order has been placed and
the ministry of civil aviation has been directed to implement
the order as soon as possible.
"We believe this will help curb the
irregularities," said Paudyal.
Broeke sonder sakke
Ai jinne.
_____________________________
SEX WITH
THE CELEBRITY OF YOUR DREAMS - Monday 29 June 2009
Most men fantasize about having sex with
a Playboy centrefold, a supermodel or a famous actress.
For those who can afford it though, this fantasy is very
easily realized.
At a price, you can spend the night with
the likes of Anna Malle or Nici Sterling to name but two.
However, you have to register
on Michelle Braun’s site Nici’s Girls, at
a cost of R12 000, just to be able to view photographs
of the 200-plus available girls, and a weekend with the
star of your dreams will cost you up to R400 000.
The jet set have been flocking to discreetly
use the service, but it seems that, when the shit hits
the fan, discretion is sold to the highest bidder.
California prosecutors uncovered a sophisticated
prostitution ring, and the FBI trapped Braun after she
agreed to fly a girl from Los Angeles to New York to meet
a client who was an undercover agent.
They were able to arrest her for the federal offence of
transporting a woman across state lines for sex.
|
It
seems that you could also book 31-year-old Michelle
herself.
This is the photograph advertising her services
on the web.
|
And this, her
mugshot, is who will be in your bed the morning
after. |
|
The mother-of-two has admitted running
a vice ring supplying the most expensive call girls in
the world to celebrities, business chiefs and public figures,
and has made a deal with authorities to avoid going to
prison.
Her arrest has sent a wave panic across
Hollywood as agents seized her computers and phone records.
Her stable of 200-plus celebrity sex partners is said
to include fashion models, actresses, Playboy centerfolds
and pornstars.
Her list of clients reads like the who’s
who of Tinseltown, and includes actors, film directors,
pop stars, record producers, sports stars and rich kid
heirs.
For her part, Braun is said to have made
more than R65-million, yet prosecutors have recommended
a fine of R277 000 and six months of home confinement.
Now that’s a good deal!
The identities of Braun's clients have
not yet been revealed but her lawyer said they include
big names. "Let's just say you'd be shocked."
_____________________________
STORMY WEATHER,
COLD DISASTER MANAGEMENT Thursday 25 June 2009
The Mother City is in the grip of a storm,
with gale-force winds, humungous waves, pelting rain and
icy-cold weather.
The stormy weather, especially the wind,
has taken its toll on the city’s electricity networks,
and Pinelands, Rondebosch, Plumstead, Observatory, Constantia,
Tamboerskloof, Maitland, Paarden Eiland, and Parow Valley
all experienced power cuts on Tuesday night.
A ship almost ran aground in Blouberg,
and vessels in the harbor were forced to head out to sea
to avoid the brunt of the storm.
As usual, during these storms, my thoughts
turned to the homeless and shack- dwellers.
All South Africans owe it to themselves to visit one of
these areas during such a storm.
Not in your wildest imagination can you truly understand
the disastrous conditions under which these people have
to survive.
I doubt whether spokesperson for the city’s
disaster management Wilfred Solomons-Johannes (when did
Wilfie become double-barreled?) has any idea what he is
talking about when he said ‘868 people living in
100 shacks were experiencing discomfort late on Tuesday
afternoon, but no-one had yet been evacuated.’
Discomfort?
Get real Wilfie.
_______________________________
THINGS WE
LOST IN THE FIRE - Wednesday 24 June 2009
I do not rush off to go and see movies
that get rave reviews.
In fact I believe that most critics are clueless.
My opinion on critics was probably influenced when I read
Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead way
back in my late teens.
I remember reading reviews on the movie
Things We Lost In The Fire some time back and thinking
‘This must be a good movie.’
The critics slammed it.
One critic said that the producers depended
on Halle Berry and Benicio Del Toro’s star quality
to rescue a thin plot, and that they failed miserably
in this.
Because I do not rush off to the movies
- period, my suspicions were only confirmed on Monday
night when I watched the movie on M-Net.
I understand fully why the critics slammed
the movie.
In the movie, Berry and Del Toro do not
look anything like the sex symbols that they are supposed
to be.
Berry looks like a very tired mother of two who had just
lost her loving husband of 11 years.
Del Toro looks like he is battling a heroin addiction.
There was no high-speed car
chase, no corrupt cops, no psychopathic serial killers,
no seductive bombshells, no sleazy private investigator,
no .44 magnums, no sex scene and no traditional happy
ending.
In the end the boy does not get the girl.
In the end the girl does not get the boy.
Very real and believable
shit.
Brilliant acting by Benecio Del Toro, and a totally acceptable
performace from Halle Berry.
Definitely my kind of movie.
_______________________________
IN THE NEWS
FOR THE WRONG REASONS - Tuesday 23 June 2009
There are two versions regarding the five
Egyptian players who were robbed of R19 500.00 after their
victory against Italy.
I suppose the truth will eventually come
out – maybe not.
In the meantime, we can have some fun with choosing which
version to believe.
Can’t we?
The Egyptian version is that the players
arrived back at their hotel, the Protea Hotel Wanderers,
to find that their room had been burgled.
The problem with this innocent version
is that the robbery was only reported to police 12 hours
later, by the hotel’s general manager.
Police found no evidence of forced entry, and the safe
in the room was untouched.
The second, and juicier version is that,
the players acquainted themselves with a group of ‘ladies
of the night’ and took said ladies to their hotel
room to celebrate their victory.
We all know the dangers of this, and it
is alleged that the resourceful ladies lifted the $2400
when the celebrators became overly effervescent.
This is not the first time that international
sporting personalities have made the news in South Africa
for the wrong reasons.
In 1988 Pakistan threatened to halt their
South African tour when bowlers Mohammad Akram and Saqlain
Mushtaq were "mugged" outside their Sandton
hotel. They were both injured.
Witnesses later revealed that the two
picked up their black eyes and chipped teeth in a bar
brawl at a strip joint called Club 69, after the two had
touched the strippers.
I believed the 'ladies of the night' version,
but now Brazil have also ladged a complaint,
Team spokesperson Rodrigo Paiva said "a
jacket and some money" disappeared from some of their
rooms at the Centurion Lake hotel, outside Pretoria.
The plot thickens.
_____________________________
THE LOGIC
BEHIND THE VUVUZELA - Monday 22 June 2009
The football world is up in arms about
the air-horn, affectionately called ‘Vuvuzela’,
that has become an accessory of any self-respecting South
African soccer fan.
International players and coaches, and
even broadcasters are calling for the thing to be banned,
but Danny Jordaan assures us that FIFA has made an exception,
and the vuvuzela is here to stay.
Under FIFA rules, anything that resembles
a missile, and that can be used to throw onto the field,
is banned at the games.
The Vuvuzela qualifies, but FIFA has made an exception
to the rule, on condition that it will be banned at the
first sign of someone using it as a missile.
I am not sure if FIFA realises it, but
the SAFA bosses have come to terms with the fact that
the likes of Carlos Parreira and Joel Santana is nowhere
near enough to avoid embarrassment in 2010.
As with all things African, Safa looked
to culture and folklore to find a solution to their problem.
African folklore has it that ‘A baboon is killed
by a lot of noise.’
Fifa has been experimenting with the strategy for the
past ten years, and it has been fine-tuned at Kaizer Chiefs/Orlando
Pirates derbies where, during the last quarter of the
match, supporters blow vuvuzelas frantically in an attempt
to "kill off" their opponents
Their strategy now is ‘If it doesn’t
kill them it will at least confuse and irritate the hell
out of all opposition’, and they have secretly made
a deal with SA soccer fans to completely refrain from
throwing anybody with a vuvuzela.
So far, although employed very subtly
at the Confederation Cup ( we don’t want anyone
to latch on to our strategy just yet) it seems to be working.
The instruction to the fans was simple.
‘We don’t want too many vuvuzelas at these
matches lest they latch on to our world cup strategy,
so rather stay at home and don’t support the matches.
Come 2010 we will, by surprise, blow them away!’
I am sure that the strategy
will work at least as well as beetroot and garlic worked
against aids.
_______________________________
THE HEIR
WITH A MICROCHIP IN HIS HEAD - Thursday 18 June 2009
I have a feeling that there is more to
this story than meets the eye.
The official version is that 19-year-old
Mondi Zondi’s father, a fraud investigator who owned
several properties and a fleet of cars, was shot and killed
while on his way to church.
Two years later, his mother, a schoolteacher, was shot
and killed, while on her way to her school.
Mondi stood to inherit forty percent of
his father’s estate, valued at over R7-million.
But, after the death of his parents, Mondi
seemed to lose it.
He was expelled from his Pietermaritzburg
school for bad behavior.
He then moved into the family home in Durban North to
live alone. According to his sister, Mondi spent most
of his time alone.
‘We noticed a change in his behavior’ she
said, ‘He would not talk to me even when I greeted
him.’
Mondi also started visiting the attorney
who was handling his father’s estate, enquiring
after his inheritance.
He was always very polite, according to the attorney,
but on his last visit he became aggressive.
‘He came to my office demanding his 'father's millions'
and asking for funds for a signal jammer because he believed
someone had planted a microchip in his head.
"I told him I couldn't just hand
over money to him and that he should get a quotation for
such a device. He became agitated, stormed out and broke
my front window with stones he had picked up," said
the attorney.
In May, Zondi hijacked a woman’s
Toyota Yaris. He shot at a man who tried to come to the
victims aid. Later he crashed the Yaris and tried to hijack
a Merc, but the driver sped away.
Mondi shot at the car as it sped away.
He then ran into Mill Street where police
confronted him and shot him in the leg.
Later he tried to steal an unmarked police vehicle in
order to escape.
Police opened fire again killing him.
A fraud investigator and a schoolteacher
worth millions?
A 19-year-old heir to millions, with a microchip in his
head, hijacking cars left right and center?
Police shooting him in the leg when they confronted him?
Trying to steal a police car while in custody, after being
shot in the leg?
Police opening fire and killing him when he tried to steal
the police car?
An attorney who told him to get a quote for a signal jammer
for the microchip that someone planted in his head?
Something, many things in fact, does not
sound right.
There is more to this story than meets the eye.
___________________________________
RELIGIOUS
LOVE HOTELS IN JAPAN - Wednesday 17 June 2009
Japan’s
love hotels have been around for decades.
This is essentially a hotel that provides a place
for couples to enjoy anonomous and uninterrupted
sex.
|
|
Politician and secretary, husband and
hooker, teacher and student – all are welcome, as
long as they pay in cash and leave when the time limit
is up.
The period of a ‘rest’ varies, but typically
ranges from one to three hours.
Entrances are discreet and interaction
with staff is minimized, with rooms often selected from
a panel of buttons and the bill settled by pneumatic tube,
automatic cash machines, or a pair of hands behind a pane
of frosted glass.
Although
cheaper hotels are often quite utilitarian, higher-end
hotels feature fanciful rooms feature rotating beds,
ceiling mirrors, and sex machines.
These establishments provide kinky fun for all types,
from fetishists and sadomasochists to the ordinary
couple seeking sexual advent, and some are even
styled as dungeons and include S&M gear and
equipment.
|
|
The picture in my mind of the kind of
person or business group that owns this kind of establishment,
could not have been more wrong.
On Tuesday, a Japanese religious group
called ‘Cosmic Truth Society’ was ordered
to pay a fine of 300-million yen for attempted tax evation.
They had declared more than US$14-million as donations,
over a period of seven years.
The money was in fact revenue from at
least 23 love hotels that are owned and operated by the
religious group.
A Japanese religious group called the
"Cosmic Truth Society" has been fined for declaring
more than $14-million (about R113-million) in "love
hotel" revenues as charitable donations, media reports
said on Tuesday.
The group, which runs at least 23 of the pay-by-the-hour
hotels and motels, had declared the 1.4-billion yen in
revenues over seven years as donations to make them tax-exempt
under Japanese law, reports said.
____________________________
LYNDALL
JARVIS: YUMMIE FRIDAY GALLERY - Friday 12 June 2009
25-year-old Lyndall Jarvis,
who was voted FHM South Africa’s sexiest woman 2009,
is from Hout Bay in Cape Town.
She lived in Los angelos for two years, but promises that
she is now back for good.
Lyndall was first introduced to FHM readers as the May
beauty on the FHM Calendar 2008.
The sexy and vivacious Jarvis
even has a video-game character modeled on her as one
of the central bosses in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the
Patriots.
View
Gallery……..
______________________
GETTING
SICK IN THE 21st CENTURY - Thursday 11 June 2009
Back in the day we were all pretty clued
up in he cause and effect department when it came to illnesses
or injuries.
Have a bath and go out in the cold –
get the flu.
Put your foot doen wrong when running – sprain your
ankle.
Eat too much rich food – get a tummy ache.
Drink too much – get hangover.
These days things are bit more complicated.
Technology has brought with it a whole new set of cause
and effect rules.
For example
Almost a year ago, I woke up one morning with a terrible
pain in my shoulder. Doctor’s prognosis –
Tendonitis.
11 months later I am still suffering, and after Googling
it I discovered that I was suffering from MOUSE
SHOULDER
This is caused by regular and excessive use of a computer
mouse, while slumping over a desk.
One is supposed to sit up straight, with the mouse positioned
where your drinking glass would be at the dining table.
Now I read about:
TEXTERS
THUMB
Most sufferers of this repetitive strain injury are under
18.
Mixit is pobably the main cause.
PHONE INFERTILITY
It has been found that men who use cellphones for more
than four hours a day has a lower sperm count than those
who do not use cellphones.
CELLPHONE
ELBOW
Spending hours on your cellphone damages theulnar nerve.
It starts with a tingling in th eelbow, and when it gets
worse sufferers are unable to open jars or write.
______________________________
MOST EM-PARIS-ING
MOMENTS - Wednesday 10 June 2009
G has been working for the owners of the
Galaxy since before the club opened. That’s more
than 30 years.
Although in his early seventies, he is still very into
image. He dresses like Casanova and regularly tints his
gray hair and moustache pitch black.
G thinks he is pretty hip, and he jumps
at any chance to answer an incoming call and say ‘Club
Galaxy. Check it out to the rhythm of beat yo.’
G is the maintenance manager at the club, but likes to
give the impression that he is a super-rich businessman.
One day, I had a meeting with a couple
of suits.
They were early for the meeting and were sitting waiting
in the foyer.
G paced up and down the foyer talking loudly on his cell
phone.
He was supposedly talking to his bank manager.
‘I want you to transfer R100k from my business account
into my personal account’ he said.
‘No, not the corporate account, the normal business
account.’
In the middle of this conversation his
cell phone rang.
He got quite a fright as the phone was next to his ear.
But G at least attempted a comeback, albeit
a ridiculous one.
Still holding the phone to his ear, he said ‘Just
hold on. I have another call coming through.’
Paris Hilton on the other hand, had no
such comeback
.
The socialite, who flew by private jet to Las Vegas with
15 friends to belatedly celebrate turning 28, was horrified
when lover Doug Reinhardt grabbed her microphone as she
was performing her song 'Stars Are Blind' at the Body
English night club at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.
You see, our Paris was miming and when
lover-boy unknowingly grabbed the mic out of her hand,
she just stood there stupidly while the singing continued!
I wonder how G would have come back from
that one.
_____________________________
I WANT TO
GET SICK IN MALAYSIA - Tuesday 9 June 2009
Given the state of our health system and
especially the hospitals in South Africa, I dread the
day when I become seriously ill.
I don’t have medical aid.
I can no longer afford.
Meantime, environmentalists are up in
arms about a hospital that cares for Orang-utans at a
sanctuary in Malaysia’s north.
At this hospital, baby apes wear nappies,
sleep in cots and are lavishly cared for by medical staff.
Take two-month-old
Tuah.
Tuah’s hand got entangled in his mom’s
hair, resulting in him having a slight problem breastfeeding.
Now Tuah lies blissfully in his
cot with his hands folded across his chest, hooked-up
to cables monitoring his heartbeat and oxygen
levels, while pretty nurses and handsome doctors
fuss over him.
|
|
But the care lavished on the animals,
which are fed every two hours by a staff of seven nurses
on duty round the clock, is lost on environmentalists
who say this is no way to treat wild animals facing the
threat of extinction.
The apes are not sure if they agree.
Managers of the 35-acre island,
which is part of a resort hotel development, say they
aim to return the animals to their natural jungle habitat,
but so far none have been released.
"It is ridiculous to have orangutans
in nappies and hand-raised in a nursery. How are they
going to reintroduce the primates back in the wild,"
said senior wildlife veterinarian Roy Sirimanne.
I want to get sick in Malaysia.
____________________________
DEATH PENALTY
FOR POSSESION OF COPIED MOVIES - Monday 8 June 2009
A few days ago I wrote about the farmer
in Pietermaritzburg who shot a would-be robber.
Like many other South Africans I am frustrated with the
crime rate in our country, and the ineffectiveness of
our police service in combating crime.
When I wrote the article, I actually thought
‘That’s the way to go.’
I have been reminded why we have a justice
system, and how anarchic vigilantism could be.
An Eastern Cape woman arrived home on
Sunday to find that her home in Dutywa had been broken
into while she was out.
She decided to conduct her own investigation and found
her fridge and bed in the possession of a man.
When the woman, along with some of her
neighbors confronted the man, he apparently threatened
her with a spear.
She then drew her gun and shot the man,
who died on the scene.
I know that this is highly unlikely, but
the man could have bought the fridge and bed from the
robbers, not knowing that it was stolen goods.
Ja, I know, but still, we have to admit that it is possible.
The man is dead.
Did he deserve to die for being in the possession of stolen
goods?
Does the singer have the right to kill
me if he finds out that I copied his latest CD off my
friend’s copy of a copy?
I should probably stop that shit.
__________________________________
PLASTIC
SURGERY: WIN SOME, LOSE SOME - Wednesday 3 June 2009
It’s a well-known fact that the
stars of Tinsel Town are not always born.
They are made.
Literally.
Plastic surgery is a reality and many
of the stars that we know today have admittedly or secretively
undergone a bit of a tweak.
If you are gorgeous and young to start
with it’s a bonus, as is the case with Megan Fox.
Whether
you want to believe it or not, Megs has had a bit
of help to make her one of the sexiest women alive
today. |
>  |
Since she started out the bump on her
nose disappeared, thanks to a very well executed rhinoplasty.
She has also had lip injections and breast implants.
The results are stunning.
At least for now.
But, if you are getting a bit long in
the tooth and your looks have faded, plastic surgery can
go horribly wrong.
Just ask Donatella Versace or Jocelyn
Wildenstein.
>
>
Joselyn is a wealthy socialite
who spent over US$4-million on plastic surgery and ended
up looking like a giant cat.
I am sure you all know who Donatella is.
Neither of these two are related to Michael
Jackson.
In fact, come to think of it, neither is Megan.
________________________
SURVIVOR
GABON – EARTH’S LAST EDEN - Tuesday 2 June
2009
An article about 53-year old Moncho Vodnicharov,
a contestant on Survivor Bulgaria, who died of cardiac
arrest after competing in a task, led me to another article
published last year.
In this article the producers of the show spoke of ‘running
into production snags’ ranging from slow shipments,
to a shipment of food going missing, and danger from encroaching
animals, while filming Survivor Gabon – Earth’s
Last Eden.
I did not experience slow
shipments and food going missing but I can certainly talk
of the dangers of wild and not so wild life.
Firstly, Gabon is on the equator.
Every living thing there is bigger that we are used to.
A pineapple is the size of a watermelon, a banana is as
long and thick as a grown man’s arm, and a centipede
– about 2cm and thick as a matchstick in SA –
is up to 12cm and as thick as my finger.
I leave it up to you to imagine the size
of ants, spiders and snakes, all of which, by the way,
the locals claim are harmless.
Another phenomenon that they claim to
be ‘harmless’ but would scare the hell out
of you and me are the lizards.
I am sure that you must have experienced the odd gecko
or garden lizard that finds its way into your house during
the hot summer months.
The same thing happens in Gabon, but here
these creatures can be up to a metre long, and they come
in multi-colours.
Red head, yellow body green legs….. purple body,
orange neck and crimson head etc etc.
Thousands
upon thousands of ‘harmless’ Godzillas
all over the place. |
|
They are in the garden, in the main road,
in the restaurant, in the bathroom and once an 18-inch
long monster in my bedroom at the Holiday Inn.
|
Now,
imagine running into the Silverback Gorilla. |
Kader Khan
Editor
info@yummie.co.za
